Seeing through my eyes clearly

My view of living with a major depressive illness for 40 years


It is the same path that I have walked for years … and yet …… it is different

I know where it goes … and yet …. I can’t find my way

Where once the path was punctuated by light and texture …

Now … it has melded into one mass of indistinct grey

The sameness draws from me a sigh of despair

Gone are the feelings of joy

Gone are the pleasures in simple stuff

Laughter has left the building

….  due to lack of interest

It is like waking to a Winter’s day but being deprived of the preliminary Autumn colours

Deja vue …. I know this feeling – I have been here before…so many, many times

Yes … I am an old hand at this and yet, if only I could remember how  …

The echoes of laughter and light are but a whisper in the gloom …

One step at a time, down the path that I have walked before

If only I could remember how …

What was that first step? …

it is within me to recall, that I know – for when I stand in terror, frozen to the spot …

In darkness and dread

I am aware that my salvation rests in the knowledge that the key to escape lies within me

If only I could remember how!

Oh yes … small steps

I remember now… Walk and breathe … and walk some more … it doesn’t matter where

By remote control I start to unlock the door

Yes …. I remember now

Along the path what will I find?  that patch of light and colour … and maybe some sounds from nature

Recognise these first responses of joy at this

And CELEBRATE … I’m on my way, it’s coming back – that courage that I need to take the steps into the light and the beauty that abounds

5 thoughts on “Seeing through my eyes clearly”

  1. It will all return. The light, the color – if you feel its absence, you’ll seek it out. The image you shared, the grays and the brown confusion of the branches, it lets a person feel what a depressed person might feel, even if it’s just for a moment.

  2. Thank you so much Anand, that is what I was trying to do. I actually entered this image and verse into a local Mental Health photo competition a couple of years ago and I came second and won a camera 🙂
    Writing about it when you are well is very difficult, as I find I do not like to think about the dark times and easily forget how hopeless it all feels. But then when you are depressed… the motivation to share anything is so much less. i hope that this will encourage others to know that the power is within and that insight into one’s self is so important. When we trust ourselves to find the way out we empower ourselves to take the steps 🙂

  3. Hi there. Just to say I’m liking your “stuff” and thank you for liking mine.
    I wish you well on your magic journey. And anyway, dark is merely contrast to light, and there is always light – somewhere. All you have to do is find it. Sound simplistic? Sure, but doable.

      1. Hello @Adrienne. Thank you ever so much. Wonderful that you took so much trouble. I’m very grateful. And sorry for the delay. I hit a few snags, mostly technical, so I kind of fell behind. Great hearing from you. May all your day be blessed days.

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